Monday, December 24, 2012

December 24.... it IS Christmas Eve

Wrapping paper chez Joey
"On call" for Christmas this year.... OK.   But, on call for 5 days over the holidays.... oh sweet Lord.  This holiday season had the potential to completely suck!
Fortunately, Santa was very accommodating, and Christmas came a bit early for this little schizophrenic elf.
From cocktail parties at my house.... suidical Christmas trees and broken ornaments, 

Ruh roh!!!

Dammit. has certainly been a Christmas to remember!

Yes, the tree IS back in the upright position, bolted to the wall, and a Jonathan Adler poodle is on suicide watch.

As you might imagine, a massage was necessary after THAT little incident.  The Umstead in Cary, NC, was amazing, and they had live flowers in their Christmas trees.  {I DID have a bit of tree envy.  Just don't tell Santa.}  Hopefully, their trees went thru a full psychiatric evaluation prior to being decorated.  (Tee hee)
Real amaryllis wired into the trees at the Umstead Hotel and Spa

Pepper berries and pine cones at the Umstead

We even had Piglet, the office's version of Elf on the Shelf, as a stripper and having a spa day!  LOL

It was only then that I realized that the office staff really loved me.  My Christmas gift from Piglet was.........
"Jack Ass Red" wine.  Jack ass, huh?   Hmmmph! 
Actually, I laughed out loud.

Despite the "on call" aggravation and my initial concern that I was in Ho Ho Hell, this Christmas has been absolutely fantastic.... thanks to friends, family, and a fun staff at the office.  And, I haven't even mentioned the drag queens, dinner parties, shopping excursions, new friends {I just need to remember that there is a fine line between admiration and becoming a stalker! ha}, 'dirty Santa' gift exchange, and Christmas traditions with BESTest!

So, have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.  Mine has certainly been memorable!  See you next year. 

Thursday, December 6, 2012

the RULES of Christmas

'tis the Season at Joey's hacienda

The common misconception that I've been carried off by a band of gypsies is, fortunately, untrue.

So... Let's talk Christmas!

As a self-proclaimed holiday decorating fool, there are a few rules of engagement which should be discussed with regards to ho ho ho decor. 

1.  Embrace maximalism... especially when it comes to the Christmas tree.  OK, I guess that we could be politically correct and refer to the tree as a non-denominational seasonal evergreen, but... nah.  Christmas tree it is!  And, I firmly believe:  Go Big or Go HOME.  Christmas ornaments should cover every living (or artificial) limb on that beast.

2.  Since you have embraced your inner ornament exhibitionist, it IS OK to be a bit more minimalist on other surfaces of your home.  Don't want to overdo a good thing.  Mantles can be elegant and simple.  And for the sake of baby Jesus, stay away from that that artificial stuff... unless it is really good.   There just ain't much worse than seeing red glitter faux magnolia leaves chucked onto a mantle. 
Ok, that is TOO minimalist even for me.  Let's try that one again.
3.  Include a little bit of nature.  Berries, twigs, sticks... something from the great outdoors.  Otherwise, it will look like you home has gotten into a glitter fight with Tinkerbell.   Just sayin'.
Mantle in the sun room with cattails from mom and preserved boxwood topiary trees. 

Chestnuts for roasting by an open fire.  Somehow, that analogy has always been a little disturbing to me... but I digress. 

The sideboard, last year... the illuminated sticks for those ceramic containers was a fantastic gift.  Thanks, Josie.
4.  Decorative Christmas trees are your friend.  Repeat:  Decorative Christmas trees are your friend!!!! And, do NOT attempt to use them sparingly. 
Trees in the sun room.
5.  Vintage candle sticks will cover up a multitude of decorating sins. 

Fortunately, my friends know me well.  Everything on that table was a gift!

5.  Don't be a feather hater. 

Pheasant feathers on the sideboard this year.  I might have crossed the tasteful to tacky line with that one.  But.... too late, now!

Feathered trees in the master... I LOVE them. 
6.  Reindeer should rule the holiday roost.  And, they should be EVERYWHERE... covering every flat surface of your home.  Well, all of those surfaces that are not already covered by Christmas trees.  HA
Glitter reindeer... and no, I'm not talking a remake of that horrendous Mariah Carey movie.  Nope.  Just stick with glittery reindeer. 

Lucite reindeer can be... AMAZING. 
 7.  Don't forget about your local plant store.  Poinsettias, Christmas cactus, hydrangeas, paper whites, and amaryllis are all wonderful in holiday homesteads.  Just be aware... paper whites are pretty but stinky.  Take my word for it.   They nearly ran me out of the sun room last holiday season. 

My little local store, "Plant and See"
8.  If your holiday disposition is more Grinch and ho ho hell, then start listening to Straight No Chaser's version of the "12 Days of Christmas" STAT.

...partridge in a big pear tree. 
9.  If that didn't work to improve your decorating mood, then find you favorite dammit doll.   Follow the instructions as listed below. 

I've only used mine a couple of times this year.   {Cue the evil giggle.} 
10.  And, finally, don't forget your outdoor spaces.  Twinkie lights should be everywhere... the more the merrier!   Buy them by the bushel.  You should be able to land a plane with all of that extra lighting.  So, it IS actually a safety factor for the airlines during this busy travel season.  (At least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.) 
Happy holiday season.  Ho Ho Ho.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year... make it a good one!